Wednesday, September 28, 2011

She writes!

This hand written printed, penciled note arrived:

Dear Mom,

I know I have been quite a little brat lately, and I'm sorry. I am also so sorry for condemning your life style simply because we are different. I'm no better than you, nor you from me, especially based on how organized you are. I know I have not been doing my best in my studies, and I want to do better, but even as organized as I like to be I don't like schedules or routines :P However I will figure myself out Eventually! lol (= I woke up staring at my baby picture of us, and w/ as much as we fight I forget/ignore how much you devoted to be a young SINGLE mother, and for that I say thank you. I love you <3 Sincerely Love you Lots

Full Name

Oh I am telling you these are the moments that break my heart AND make me want to leap for joy! I remember being a new mom. Months into it or even that first year or so as her personality began to develop. Into her toddler years when she began to talk before age 3 it hit me. She will not remember back this far. All my love and labor she will have no conscious memory of. The same way I did not. At age about 8 one night in a tiff I told my mother she did not care about me.

She slapped my face and put me out on the porch in my pajamas. I kinda understood more of why in that moment. Still I realize even more now we were not speaking the right languages to each other. I wanted more than she was giving and it was painful.

Still I am delighted that my daughter is experiencing having a part in watching her baby nieces and younger step, half siblings grow up. Already she has that awe of how fast things move and the protectiveness of an elder over them. It is a good and weighty thing.

She woke up seeing that old picture of her as about an 8 month old that we have in our up stairs hallway because she had taken to crawling into my bed to watch tv. Invariably I would fall asleep on the couch and she would clutter up the space with her snack wrappers and other things. Both of us lights on with the tv watching us.

Something broke and trigger which I am so thankful for. Dealing with that angry hurt I do not care personal is almost enough to break me. Who is this beast??? Where is the child I have poured my heart and soul into all these years is the only thing I can think when we go snarling to separate corners. 

It is not usually anger at each other it is just rage and pent up frustration about life mixed with miss understandings and annoyances. Still she reacts to it like she would rather walk on razor blades bare footed. It is almost like she believes if we do not agree we are not a family.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Parenting @ 2am

Like my other blog name suggests; I keep odd hours like the college student and internet junkie that I am.

Thus it was again last night that the darling off spring and I wound up…discussing house keeping after midnight.

SMH This kid and I. Some days it is like neither of us seem to have a road map. I catch myself now at least. Some where along the line my strong assertive have no fear little girl turned into a sensitive young woman.

When she was a toddler and I would try to distract her from harm she would ignore the sound of my voice until I moved in her direction. Later when the neighbor girls would come to play they would cry at my words. She would just stare defiantly at me.

Now she cries when I tell her she is misbehaving and I am not happy about how things are going in the house between us. 

BREATHE BREATHE like labor these things too shall pass. 

Some days I wish I could get inside her head. Other times I figure no, not really.
She hates me 
she hates her life 
she doesn’t think enough 
of herself or 
understand her own potential.

Again these things are normal. 

It would be like peaking into the coffee maker while it is brewing. Water and grains, murkiness. Not the deep dark rich finished product. 

I know she knows I love her. 

She just has this notion that it means we would never fight. Half the time I do not even think we are arguing. 

There are issues of wrong and right. There are her personal preferences that fall some where underneath. I have a strong voice. She has one too. 

I think it will all be beautiful one of these days. Teen angst is all but unavoidable I think is what I have come to the conclusion of.

We still do not have a schedule down for housework. 

What we have instead are fall checks from school and the beginning of getting back on track in that direction. We need a car. 

I had to buy a replacement laptop. 

I told her to make a budget and I would give her cash for toiletries and personal items so she can learn to budget and shop for her own needs. 

I also told her I want chores done for the first time in her life.

I guess I have to be more constructive with my directives. Her room is too hot, so she was downstairs watching tv, her chores are not getting done. 

I fell asleep on the couch last night. I woke up at 2am and told her "Go to bed". 

"Not tired" she says to me. 

Well that is great seeing as the house is a mess, I am thinking. 

"Okay well then go get some housework done" I say.
"I will do it later" she tells me.

"You will do it now Ms. Not tired at 2am, with undone housework and homework."

Oh the tears as I then canceled her weekend plan to sleep over at her sisters tonight.

If I had the Total Transformation I guess I could have worded my chastisement of her to let her convict herself. 

It was 2am. 

My patience was low. 

She cries because it bothers her that I confront her with her faults. If she would have apologized I would have stopped talking. She hasn’t figured that out yet either.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Our Adventures @ 3 a.m.

At 3:30 a.m. this morning my daughter is accosting me. “Where is my camping chair?” Our home is not that big so this is kind of a silly question. The odd hour of it all is not disturbing. I wanted to laugh but the mood was quickly serious because the house is a mess and I have been waiting on her to clean up portions of it...

I start to fuss at her about the lack of respect it shows me when I ask for things to get done and have to keep waiting but her life goes on as usual. She is listening to me but suddenly some neighbors are arguing louder than us. We pause to ease drop. We reiterate that it is 3am and I start laughing.

She makes me laugh this kid. She is bigger than me in almost every way. I think her core is still a tad bit smaller but curves and height wise she is a few inches ahead. She will be 15 in less than three weeks. This kid is almost grown.

It has taken me this long to figure out how we can work together to keep up with house work. I grew up with a minimalistic neat freak and I could not be more opposite. My daughter says she leans more in that direction. She definitely wants to throw out my stuff that is for sure. I tell her it’s mine and I am attached to it.We are hilarious like the Odd Couple.

I collect papers and trinkets. 

She leaves her wrappers and dishes all over the house. 

Never mind all the hair thingies and mini bottles of whatever in our shower. Food trash I can throw out no problem. I wash the dishes. When it comes to the rest of the house, I need a personal assistant for my papers, phone calls and appointments. My daughter has me as Mom the maid.

I think as a team this could work. I had her separate my papers from the news paper collecting all around. I let her throw out the sales ads from the paper and now I need to organize, the papers I want to keep. They include things from school, bills and other information.

Fast forward to the end of the day: I had a nap on the couch and work up around 3am. She never slept and was up until a bit ago when she fell asleep on the stairs. She went up stairs to bed and now she is back asleep on the stairs. Yes we are little odd ducks.

We were supposed to get up and go downtown to the Chalk It Up event we look forward to every year. I barely felt like it anyway. Maybe we will tomorrow or Monday when the designs will be closer to finished. 

The camping chair was in the down stairs closet under the stairs. That information was divulged after the bathroom was scrubbed and papers were separated. As a bonus she cleaned her room (the one thing I will not do) and even cleaned out the refrigerator.

I know she has this stuff in her. I just need to regulate how it comes out.