Wednesday, September 28, 2011

She writes!

This hand written printed, penciled note arrived:

Dear Mom,

I know I have been quite a little brat lately, and I'm sorry. I am also so sorry for condemning your life style simply because we are different. I'm no better than you, nor you from me, especially based on how organized you are. I know I have not been doing my best in my studies, and I want to do better, but even as organized as I like to be I don't like schedules or routines :P However I will figure myself out Eventually! lol (= I woke up staring at my baby picture of us, and w/ as much as we fight I forget/ignore how much you devoted to be a young SINGLE mother, and for that I say thank you. I love you <3 Sincerely Love you Lots

Full Name

Oh I am telling you these are the moments that break my heart AND make me want to leap for joy! I remember being a new mom. Months into it or even that first year or so as her personality began to develop. Into her toddler years when she began to talk before age 3 it hit me. She will not remember back this far. All my love and labor she will have no conscious memory of. The same way I did not. At age about 8 one night in a tiff I told my mother she did not care about me.

She slapped my face and put me out on the porch in my pajamas. I kinda understood more of why in that moment. Still I realize even more now we were not speaking the right languages to each other. I wanted more than she was giving and it was painful.

Still I am delighted that my daughter is experiencing having a part in watching her baby nieces and younger step, half siblings grow up. Already she has that awe of how fast things move and the protectiveness of an elder over them. It is a good and weighty thing.

She woke up seeing that old picture of her as about an 8 month old that we have in our up stairs hallway because she had taken to crawling into my bed to watch tv. Invariably I would fall asleep on the couch and she would clutter up the space with her snack wrappers and other things. Both of us lights on with the tv watching us.

Something broke and trigger which I am so thankful for. Dealing with that angry hurt I do not care personal is almost enough to break me. Who is this beast??? Where is the child I have poured my heart and soul into all these years is the only thing I can think when we go snarling to separate corners. 

It is not usually anger at each other it is just rage and pent up frustration about life mixed with miss understandings and annoyances. Still she reacts to it like she would rather walk on razor blades bare footed. It is almost like she believes if we do not agree we are not a family.

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