The second worse thing
about being a single mother is co parenting with a deadbeat.
I never in a
million years imagined the man I was dating would completely fall apart and not
be able to be a good father if the need arose.
That however is exactly
what happened. There are in our case perhaps extenuating circumstances but the
hard cold facts remain:
He got me pregnant.
He did
not meet our daughter until she was 5 years old.
At that point he is dropped
into our life and thinks he understands how to begin.
In fact he had almost
completely no clue.
It is very common that men
only want to look forward. They do not understand how or why they need to heal
wounds from the past.
Not being there created a huge gaping hole of a wound.
I barely understood it. My
daughter was 5 and she did not really articulate so much as she reacted in the form of
RAGE.
Where have you been?
Why is my life so different from the families I
know where the kids have their daddies?
What are we supposed to do now?
It hurt me to realize me
being perfect could not shield her from her need for her father to be in proper
alignment in her life. That is true of all children. Not having both parents
creates a vaccum.
Now it does not mean they are doomed. It is just something to
be aware of as a parent or care taker.
Even if I had thought to
get us into counseling I doubt that my x would have attended with us. He just
had five years worth of catching up to do and no time to do it in.
He needed to be really
sensitive to how our daughter reached out to connect with him. Instead he sort
of barreled along and wondered why she did not just heel, yield, follow and
obey with total respect.
It has been a long journey.
Within less than two years the relationship between father and daughter broke
down. She pushed him away hard and he went. I do not know what he was thinking.
Well okay I do but it was dumb. A child needs their parents.
If I had understood
the mistake he was about to make I would have pulled him aside and tried to
dissuade him.
Of course not that he wants
a lot of advice from me. I guess he thinks I ruined his life. Because he can’t
manipulate and control me and I deserve more than he could give me…
When he married the woman
with 3 daughters and a son, when she bore him a son, it opened a portal between
father and daughter. As that marriage crumbled the portal became unstable.
A few phone calls ago there
was a knock out drag out fight between father and daughter and she called it quits again.
I
can only hope having lived with kids will help him hear more of the explanation
for why she remains so upset.
Yes there is a child support
order on file.
Money comes in hit or miss. I do not let it interfere with letting them see each other or be in communication with each other.
Money comes in hit or miss. I do not let it interfere with letting them see each other or be in communication with each other.
I never ask
him for help with care or expenses. This has been a mistake even though he has
not seemed like he was in a place to be able to help.
It has left him ignorant to
what her life is like without him. So all he knows is what he sees and
experiences with her.
He acts like that is all there is.
Foolishness. Sigh
That is so sad. It makes me want to go home and hug my daughters.
ReplyDeleteYes hug your kids! When things look bleak I am reminded to look at what I can do and know I am part of the solution. Fully involved parents need to do their best. Our kids deserve it.
DeleteThis is amazing. So well said. So sorry you had to go through all of that, though. I'm sharing this with a friend, who needs it. Thank you, dear one!
ReplyDeletePam
Oh bless you hun. Thank you. We have come along way. I share because I know others are struggling too.
DeleteWow, I feel better seeing that others are struggling with me. Is that wrong? I hope not. Makes me feel less alone.
ReplyDeleteMisery loves company. lol It helps to know you are not crazy or more of the cause than you are ya know?
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