Thursday, June 14, 2012

Daughter Father Chaos

The second worse thing about being a single mother is co parenting with a deadbeat.

I never in a million years imagined the man I was dating would completely fall apart and not be able to be a good father if the need arose.

That however is exactly what happened. There are in our case perhaps extenuating circumstances but the hard cold facts remain:

He got me pregnant. 

He did not meet our daughter until she was 5 years old.

At that point he is dropped into our life and thinks he understands how to begin.

In fact he had almost completely no clue.

It is very common that men only want to look forward. They do not understand how or why they need to heal wounds from the past. 

Not being there created a huge gaping hole of a wound.

I barely understood it. My daughter was 5 and she did not really articulate so much as she reacted in the form of RAGE. 

Where have you been? 

Why is my life so different from the families I know where the kids have their daddies? 

What are we supposed to do now?

It hurt me to realize me being perfect could not shield her from her need for her father to be in proper alignment in her life. That is true of all children. Not having both parents creates a vaccum. 

Now it does not mean they are doomed. It is just something to be aware of as a parent or care taker.

Even if I had thought to get us into counseling I doubt that my x would have attended with us. He just had five years worth of catching up to do and no time to do it in.

He needed to be really sensitive to how our daughter reached out to connect with him. Instead he sort of barreled along and wondered why she did not just heel, yield, follow and obey with total respect.

It has been a long journey. Within less than two years the relationship between father and daughter broke down. She pushed him away hard and he went. I do not know what he was thinking. 

Well okay I do but it was dumb. A child needs their parents. 

If I had understood the mistake he was about to make I would have pulled him aside and tried to dissuade him.

Of course not that he wants a lot of advice from me. I guess he thinks I ruined his life. Because he can’t manipulate and control me and I deserve more than he could give me…

When he married the woman with 3 daughters and a son, when she bore him a son, it opened a portal between father and daughter. As that marriage crumbled the portal became unstable.

A few phone calls ago there was a knock out drag out fight between father and daughter and she called it quits again. 
I can only hope having lived with kids will help him hear more of the explanation for why she remains so upset. 

Yes there is a child support order on file.

Money comes in hit or miss. I do not let it interfere with letting them see each other or be in communication with each other. 
I never ask him for help with care or expenses. This has been a mistake even though he has not seemed like he was in a place to be able to help. 

It has left him ignorant to what her life is like without him. So all he knows is what he sees and experiences with her. 
He acts like that is all there is. 

Foolishness. Sigh


  1. That is so sad. It makes me want to go home and hug my daughters.

    1. Yes hug your kids! When things look bleak I am reminded to look at what I can do and know I am part of the solution. Fully involved parents need to do their best. Our kids deserve it.

  2. This is amazing. So well said. So sorry you had to go through all of that, though. I'm sharing this with a friend, who needs it. Thank you, dear one!


    1. Oh bless you hun. Thank you. We have come along way. I share because I know others are struggling too.

  3. Wow, I feel better seeing that others are struggling with me. Is that wrong? I hope not. Makes me feel less alone.

    1. Misery loves company. lol It helps to know you are not crazy or more of the cause than you are ya know?